you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
