I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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