If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
