Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
