omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
