i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
