i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Randomize
