Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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