theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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