Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
