...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
