Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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