I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
