If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
