I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
