Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
