When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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