Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
