Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
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I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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