end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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