My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
