it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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