There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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