this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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