Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize