Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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