I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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