yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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