Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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