I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
