please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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