My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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