there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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