..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
