now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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