Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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