Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
