hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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