I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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