So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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