You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
