If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
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I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
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I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
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