I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
