remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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