Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
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