I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
