just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
