The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
