??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
