There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
