Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
