I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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