is your mom at the bar?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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