My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
