you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
